enter fruitsblogsket, where blog meets fruits basket, one of my favorite anime titles. FruitsBlogsket is my personal fansite dedicated for Fruits Basket. You'll read my blog, find avatars, wallpapers, read the Sohma diaries, discover what Tohru and the Sohmas are doing and many more. Fruitsblogsket is an experimental fansite. Feel free to check the site.
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I feel like a wreck. I'm anticipating a difficult weekend. With this exhausted and cynic feeling latched on my back, I can't help feel really bummed and sad about today. The goal is just to endure until Sunday evening. I have work today and Sunday. I've told my case to my mom what's happening to me and I think she understands what's happening to me. I got no motivation at all. I really don't want to go to work today or tomorrow; it's like an established fact in my head. I gotta to change it. But how? This is my recording as of 7am.
I heard my mom, dad and my sister's footsteps, because my older brother's treating them breakfast. Afterwards, they'll be going to a baby's dedication and there will be more food there. I could only lie on my bed and cry in a corner, because I have to work. I tell ya' I was an inch close to calling in sick again. But if I do, I'll be working two Sundays, which is not good for my health. Heck, this work is not good for my health. My emotional health, that is.
I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. Today's going to be a straight up fasting day. I'm fasting, because it helps me think of things that I don't normally perceive. I want something else besides food. I want to experience an epiphany. I want to find out how today would unfold -- with my stomach empty for almost 24 hours. It's like a situation wherein that I could say, "Oh no. I haven't eaten anything, how will God provide for me?" I'm putting my faith and testing God's grace, because I'm trying to expand my spiritual comfort zone.
I had another one of those movie moments. With my empty stomach, I had to run to the bus stop because I was running late for my morning bus. If I miss this bus, I'll be late for work for waiting for the next bus.
I had a last ditch effort of motivation just telling myself that it's just going to be like this for two days. What bums me is I'll be repeating this process on Tuesday and Wednesday. The Monday day off is a makeup day for missing out my responsibilities on other things.
Work actually ended at 4:30pm, instead of 6pm. Instead of feeling happy, I felt the dread that I'm going to do this again tomorrow. Today was really a difficult day for me. Tomorrow would be extra difficult because it's a Sunday. And I especially don't want to work on a Sunday. Almost everybody knows it's not a good day to work on a Sunday. But because I have to make up for my missed shifts, I have no choice but to endure another round. I can't really stress how difficult today was. Despite that we left early, the time was super slow, and I was cranky. But I didn't mess anything. My day went somewhat well. I'm just glad the half is over. Really glad.
I came home around 5pm. I wouldn't eat for another hour, but I wasn't complaining. If I didn't go to work today, I would've gone to a feast. I remembered. But that's all in the past. I played a game of dota, ate, web-designed, and read some manga. I feel better now. The most difficult part of today was the first two hours. Oh, boy. I thought I was out of my mind for being in the center. I wonder if it'll be the same dread for the first two hours of tomorrow's work. I really just can't wait to finish tomorrow's shift. I just want to finish it. Then Monday's day off. And then repeat, another two days of work, before I could really rest and relax, and do what I want to do. I'm paralyzed, eh? This is why I want to quit my job. But I need the money so I can take a vacation home. It's another cliche moment again: work hard and endure.
Oh yeah. February 14 is around the corner.
My Thursday was ruined, but I didn't want my Friday to get ruined as well. I tried my best to have 'fun', and stay out of the slump. I explained to mom why I was feeling down. I'm just not feeling anything. It's like I'm numb and I'm willing to receive the consequences of making a mistake. It's like that-- I'd rather take the punishment rather than doing what's right. I find that dumb and I wonder why I would be choosing such a path. I don't feel like doing anything plays in my mind. I shake my head at how stupid it looks. This is depression again, perhaps. I just want to live life differently.
All I can say is that it's a miserable Thursday.
It's Wednesday. I went to work and it was a pretty normal shift. I got tired around 7:30pm and it felt like time became super slow. I came home around 10:30pm when my bus got delayed a bit. I had anticipated that my dad would've transferred my money home, but he didn't yet. I'm in for a mess tomorrow, because I'm planning to drop my course. I hope they understand that I'm having a hard time right now.
I started the day with a bit of dread inside, which is unbelievable. I'm trying to overcome myself out of getting lazy. I think I'm getting lazy -- that's it. And I think my work is dreadful to the point that it's paralyzing. I won't do anything that I'd enjoy, because I know I'll be left hanging and that I have to work tomorrow. Do you know that feeling? It's stupid and I get nothing done. It's idiotic. I want to beat myself up, because of such mindset. I gotta get my mind out of the gutter.
Today's work isn't bad if it wasn't for my equipment. Anyway, I just need to survive today and tomorrow, and get some rest on Thursday and Friday, because I'm working on the weekends again. Bleah.
I'm inching closer to dropping my course. Say it ain't so. If I knew I'd get this slumped, I wouldn't be registering for anything this winter term. I can still finish within two years and get two diplomas. I badly need to refresh myself.
Also, I need to get productive with my literature. I want to start this new novel, but I'm having a conflict with my characters and my plots. I'm pleased with all my other novels as they're left open ended and flexible. But this novel, I call it Project X, has made me fall in love with the characters I've created and I think I want to make the story happen. The setting is the contemporary world and it has romantic elements in it. It's an action story, not a cheesy love story. I'm still tilting my head how I would approach writing the story.
I left the office at 10pm and arrived at home around 10:20pm. We needed to go to the bank so I could send money to my grandma, and to my contacts for the February 'package'.
Thank God again that, according to a second opinion, my grandma is not going to have the surgery. Instead, the doctor recommended that she'd take medications. He's the same doctor that helped my godfather back to work after suffering from a heart attack; it left him immobile, but now he's back to work.
My grandma's having a hard time walking, complaining severe pain on her hip and her back. Initially, the first doctor recommended her to receive a surgery. However, according to her MRI results, the second doctor says that they could treat her with medications. Moreover, the second doctor explained that my grandma's too old for surgery. It's an answered prayer, because my dad is concerned about where he'd get the money to pay the expenses, $7500.
I rode with my dad on our way to fetch mom from work. Apparently, they're laying off people again in the night shift. This issue happens every year. I'm not worried. We're not worried. We came home, ate dinner, and then we watched an Animal Planet show. This is my Tuesday.
There was no webdesign today, yesterday and this past Saturday. I just lied on my bed most of the day. I didn't sleep late too. It feels like I'm having the slowest start in my life ever. Bed. All day. Wow.
I've been able to talk to my contacts today for my February package. It should give me a boost in morale, because I feel excited. But I don't know why I don't feel inspired enough to overcome this slump. I'm thinking of dropping my course to be honest. It's that bad. I'm tired and all. Until now, I'm trying to determine what is wrong with me. It feels like I just lost interest in it and I'm just looking forward to going home for my vacation. February just started and I'm struggling. I can't wait for summer.
Another thing is, I'm concerned about our MMO project this June. I can't say that I'm impressed about our plan, but I really want to experience the feeling of running an MMO server. I'd rather run two MMOs in one server, because we're looking at an expensive running cost, about $200 a month to rent a server. And now we have a problem, because we need a PHP coder. There isn't one in the team. It looks like we're going to have to pay for someone's skills. I just sigh, because I have a feeling it would be more expensive than the server's rents. And we're particularly picky. Frankly, I am particular. The coder has to be someone I know.
I told myself I'd go to church today. I'm glad I did. I was supposed to work today and I'm ever grateful that they canceled it. I had to thank God for His grace and today's His day anyway. After church, I just laid back and took it easy. I was happy that I had no work.
Today's the superbowl too. Seattle Seahawks had a blowout. They beat the Broncos 43 to 8. I'm still rooting for the 49ers next year. I'm glad the Seahawks won, even though they beat my 49ers in the semis. I'm expected to go to Rogers with my brother tomorrow so they can renew my cellphone contract. I don't care about cellphones really. As long as I have something to use for text messages and for calls, any cellphone is fine.
I woke up at 4am. I opened my laptop so I could try to get myself back to sleep. I read manga and watched clips on Youtube. Then I went upstairs, because I was feeling a little bit hungry. After eating, I went back to my room to calm myself. Is it really calming myself? I wonder. I read some chapters from different mangas, but I still couldn't sleep. Then I started reading some of my old literature. I thought I was getting drowsy again around 6am, but it wasn't working. I felt like I'm reverting into something else when I felt like I didn't want to leave home.
7am, I closed my laptop. I still couldn't sleep or close my eyes. I've had this terrible feeling of debate what I would do today. Whether to go to work or not. It's terrible, I'm telling you. I'm feeling like I'm distancing myself from reality. I'm living in denial. And so it hit me: this might be depression reeling its ugly head again. I want to remember this feeling. I want to write it down, because I want to read it later this evening. It feels like I want to quit my job. I'm already slumped at school. It's winter, this is how I am during winter. I'm not a winter person, but it's not that I hate winter. I just want to be snugly and warm inside the comfort of my room, while being surrounded by the gadgets that I bought. It's like I wonder why I can't enjoy these stuff now. Maybe the lapses are to blame. I can't enjoy the 'free' time that I have.
I can't really explain why, but today has been difficult for me. For one, there's the issue of money again. I don't like talking about money, because I think I'm having an epiphany about it. I get no satisfaction from money. Like I'm wondering why I'm having a hard time staying happy in life. I know I get depressed, and I think I'm getting a better handle of things, but I shake my head that I can't enjoy the fruits of my labour. I may need some perspective check on life in general. I have this nagging feeling that I should leave school and work for a while, because I've suddenly lost interest in doing things.
It sounds simpler than you think, because I'm bored and I want to travel. Why? And why do I have to worry about my relatives back at home? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to help, and I currently help out, but whenever I earn money, there's always issues at home that somehow call out to me. I'm not obligated to give money or it's out of my responsibility, but I'd feel terrible of not contributing.
I think I've spread myself too thin on managing my websites. But the truth is just that I'm not able to follow up on updating on my content. It doesn't mean I'm quitting though.
My cousin came over to show me a demo of our MMO game. In my opinion, the June launch is a good date. He has a lot of things to fix regarding the system files. The sound stutters, and sometimes the game fails to launch. I also noticed that the game crashes when it closes. There's a lot of ironing to do and a lot of things to discuss. Around 7pm, we went outside to eat. Another problem arose when he said that we need a PHP coder for the platform. Apparently, no one knows PHP among us. We will need to integrate these to our database. We have the people for everything else, such as someone in charge with handling the funds, someone in charge with events, and someone in charge with the server files.
Around 8pm, I'm expected to talk to my folks in the Philippines via Skype; it's Sunday 10am at their time. I've finalized my plans. I'm just going to send the money home. It was a difficult Saturday to be honest. Nevertheless, it's finally February.