enter fruitsblogsket, where blog meets fruits basket, one of my favorite anime titles. FruitsBlogsket is my personal fansite dedicated for Fruits Basket. You'll read my blog, find avatars, wallpapers, read the Sohma diaries, discover what Tohru and the Sohmas are doing and many more. Fruitsblogsket is an experimental fansite. Feel free to check the site.

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EMEYL: kimikimkimster@Gmail.com
YAHOO: adrexterity

Episode 1 : The Strangest Day
Episode 2 : The Sohma Curse
Episode 3 : All Shapes And Sizes
Episode 4 : Here Comes Kagura
Episode 5 : A Rice Ball In A Fruits Basket
Episode 6 : Invincible Friendship
Episode 7 : A Plum On The Back
Episode 8 : Don't Cry, For The Snow Will Surely Melt
Episode 9 : A Solitary New Year
Episode 10 : Make It Clear If It's Black Or White
Episode 11 : Everybody Loves Chocolates
Episode 12 : White Day
Episode 13 : A New School Term Starts!
Episode 14 : The Adult's Episode - Yuki's A Messed Up Snake!
Episode 15 : There Are No Memories It's OK To Forget
Episode 16 : If We've Three Then We Don't Need To Fear Jason
Episode 17 :It's Because I've Been Loved That I've Become Stronger
Episode 18 : The Strongest Tag - The Cursed Electric Wave Brother and Sister
Episode 19 : The Source Of Cheer Can Be Affected By Colds, Too!
Episode 20 : Ayame's Secret Life
Episode 21 : Sophist Boy Has Captured The Prince
Episode 22 : Prince Yuki Fan Club
Episode 23 : Is the Rumored Ri That Mother's Daughter?
Episode 24 : The Curse of the Cat
Episode 25 : True Form
Episode 26 : Let's Go Home

Episode 1 : The Strangest Day
Episode 2 : The Sohma Curse
Episode 3 : All Shapes And Sizes
Episode 4 : Here Comes Kagura
Episode 5 : A Rice Ball In A Fruits Basket
Episode 6 : Invincible Friendship
Episode 7 : A Plum On The Back
Episode 8 : Don't Cry, For The Snow Will Surely Melt
Episode 9 : A Solitary New Year
Episode 10 : Make it Clear if it's Black or White

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enter fruitsblogsket, where blog meets fruits basket, one of my favorite anime titles. FruitsBlogsket is my personal fansite dedicated for Fruits Basket. You'll read my blog, find avatars, wallpapers, read the Sohma diaries, discover what Tohru and the Sohmas are doing and many more. Fruitsblogsket is an experimental fansite. Feel free to check the site.

layout & design: kimikimkimster
blogged by: kimikimkimster
images by: fruits basket + kimikimkimster
powered by: kimikimkimster + blogger
stats: statcounter
storage: hotlinkfiles
anime: fruits basket
anime by: natsuki takaya
images hosted by: postimages.org
file server: my.cl.ly

best viewed with Internet Explorer / Mozilla Firefox at 1024 x 768 resolution

All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. This fansite / blog does not intend to infringe the legal rights of the respective owners. All materials contained in the blog are to be used for personal use(s) only.

Hello!

This is kimikimkimster announcing that I will be reactivating this website soon. The fall term for university is fast approaching and I'm also looking for something different to do to shake my monotonous routine of work. Though I know how Fruits Basket unfolded, I'm interested to make updates to the character bios and see where this renewed journey takes me. First would be to reactivate the other parts of the website such as the gallery and the roleplay navigation.

I have been writing on other things with Risen Reviews our own website about videogames, pop culture media, and technology. Thought I miss blogging about anime. Wow, this site has been here since 2005. 

Labels: bloggy

Hello everyone! Kimikimkimster is still here. There has been a lot of changes in my life recently and the three year hiatus of not updating this site have been all about growing up in life. They were all new beginnings. On this new year, please allow me to introduce my new platform and my new website, Harvest Gamer.

Harvest Gamer (https://www.harvestgamer.com) is my website that reviews building, crafting, or survival games - but more on the casual genre. It's also among the first of my work with my registered domain. I won't announce anything else yet, because I'm still in the process of finalizing things - but let's just say that I'm thinking anime. Anyway, thank you for the hits and the support. Keep chasing after those dreams! 

Labels: bloggy

I have to admit that I feel a little bit depressed right now. First, my reading week is at its end. And second, it's hard to look at my Facebook feed right now. It's not like I'm happy for the person, when I really am. But it brings out those bitter memories more than the sweet ones. After the end of reading week, I'm looking at three days of busy-ness, because of a presentation for Wednesday. I don't know why I have this chronic sadness during this period of the year when I loathe on myself for lagging behind. I see my friends starting their families, when I'm still presenting slides in the classroom for a course. I also am having a difficult time this term with a particular course; I fear that I maybe failing it. I pray to God I would not. I sigh. It just goes to show perhaps that one week of break really wouldn't satisfy me right now when I look at this week. God, I still can't get over thinking of how much I may have wasted during that time. Was it really a waste? What does it mean? Like what is my consolation? I ponder at that saying and what its real worth. Because it really still hurt. I should probably go to sleep now before it snowballs into something big and pointless.

Labels: bloggy

Well, folks. We're at the last day of the year again. And I just like to thank God for helping me survive the waves of challenges until now. I wouldn't have survived the year without Him. I'm ever grateful and thankful for the opportunities, the people and resources that offered me the leverage for hurdle along the way. If I could sum up 2016 with one word, I would say it was a 'stepladder' of a year. A lot of good things have been achieved this year, mostly toward graduating. Indeed it was tough, but I'm relieved of being able to wrap everything properly -- more or less.

Winter, Spring and Fall terms of 2016 were eventful, and I admit that I almost decided to drop one subject this fall. Almost. I have been thinking of a plan B if things went sour, but I shook my head at myself for thinking of such a thing. It is time for my best to shine and accept the blessing - that is my graduation. The truth is I almost gave up on some assignments and academic research papers. But I made it. Thank you, Jesus. I made it. One more term left 'til graduating (and of course one more term 'til I reach repayment status on my student loan). But it doesn't make sense to graduate just to end up bankrupt, so I'm sure it'll work out afterward. That's not really the first thing to think about when graduating. The first thing to think about is a life filled with dreams having received my diploma (diplomas in this case). Those diplomas in Business Administration, Computer Science and Religion and Culture Studies will be mine!

What are the plans for 2017? Well, I can't really say. But I have some ideas. First thing is to graduate, then find a stable job. Then I'm off to pursue my other passion such as writing and creating my own video game. Other things include... well... let me say that those other things will surely follow. Let me just savour and enjoy this moment of respite (since the university re-opens this January 3). As usual, just as I'm getting used to lazying around, busy-ness rears its ugly head again.

More importantly, I sincerely hope that peace and prosperity find you this 2017. Have a blessed new year too. Cheers.

Labels: bloggy

And as 12:00am passes through, the October 29, I pray Lord of my 2016-2017 career in life yet again, and claim of your blessing and grace, my portion, that You have for me. Teach me, lead me, and mold me further, Lord. I shall pray my three wishes to You later. Keep me and family safe, Lord, is my prayer, and the person's prayer as well who is reading this. I depend and rely on Your provision, protection and providence. Continue to move in my life, Lord, in the midst of my tribulation, and I will be still - in awe of You.

Labels: bloggy

My brain is passing gas. I've been mostly focused on finishing papers, leading seminars and writing midterms. I have one more to go and it's obvious that my priorities have shifted. That's right. I actually have to be more responsible this time - which is unheard of. What have I been doing all this time? Well, university stuff and work stuff. It's the same cycle. And no. Nope. I don't want to think about any love life. I've really no time for that and I'd just be blamed for missing out on the 'relationship' if I did. For the meantime, I have to focus on graduating this year. And saving money. So I can go places. And amount to something. And not feel like a stagnating piece of crap in one corner.

Oh yeah, I totally forgot my two online projects that I've finished. They'll be utilizing HTML5, so they're coded with my up-to-date web design layout. I just need to find time and create interesting favicons and affiliate icons to place all over my boards. I'm also working on other computer projects based on my novels, but my progress is still at bare bones at the moment. I don't want to spoil anything, but I'm keeping my hopes up, because I'm kind of satisfied with the plot of the stories.

I've kind of lost count on how old this site is. I think I started to create this fansite back in 2006? If that's true then it has been 10 years? Wow. Wow! I just realized. Wouldn't that be kind of a big deal? 10 years. Where did time fly? Anyway, I just like to thank those who have stuck it out with me and made this fansite a part of their lives one way or another. Realistically speaking, I don't have time to write these days, because we all know life has circumstances - not excuses - that need attention. But I'm not really going to put down anything. I refuse. It's just a humbling experience that... wow... it has been 10 years. My silly wish would be that Natsuki Takaya would somehow notice and give me an email or a letter saying hello. *laughs*

3:50AM and I'm still writing myself to sleep. Sigh. I'm exhausted. I really want to travel someday or achieve something invaluable.

Labels: bloggy

Everyone! Meet my nephew!

I felt a surge of emotions when I finally met my nephew that I've never felt before. It's awesome. Not to mention, my mom and dad are now officially grandparents. I am at a loss for words of how happy I am, everyone is. I'm going to have to prove and remove any doubt that I am one absolutely cool uncle!

Oh and speaking of additions, there will be two new fansites soon. The front pages have already been published. The links, logos, and favicons will be posted. They just need to be polished out of bug hunting.

Labels: bloggy

Worthy is the Lamb once slain,
Praise and magnify His Name.
Laud and honour may we bring,
To my Lord, Saviour and King.

Lord, I know we've had our daily conversation this morning, but I'd like to put it in record now that I'm here: Thank You so much for a wonderful school year.

Thank You for Your grace and favour such that You've showed me my worth despite of my shortcomings. Thank You for the opportunity of having the perfect work schedule as a full time student and managing two jobs all in campus. Who am I to receive such blessing? I thought I couldn't see my value, but You have cherished me in ways I've only longed to imagine. I don't mind having tears right now, since the cafeteria is finally empty. After all, people have made their exit for the long weekend. Yet I can't help it.

You have provided me when I have been financially troubled. Your grace has been sufficient and more than sufficient in times of exhaustion, weariness and distraught while living in this the fast lane of academic work and life. Yet I'm amazed that I still have the capacity to give to my parents and relatives back home. The Fall term has been difficult. My Winter term has taken a toll in my mind. As of today, during this lunchtime, after writing my final exam this Spring, I shake my head at how awesome it has been. My memories flash to me the verisimilitude of overcoming every struggle this school year has thrown. The school year has been awesome, because You are awesome. I dare myself to say that You haven't supplied all my needs and wants, but I cannot. Truly, You have provided the best that I wonder a bit why I have these wants cluttering my room. So it would be unfair to deny You this, because it's true that You simply have been ever present in my time of need.

I know I have fulfilled my BBA, but as I push through to my second degree and minor, as I'm one step closer to reaching my dream of graduating from this foreign university, in a land culturally and intrinsically different, a world that is alien and sometime almost inhospitable in winter, as I'm one tile closer to fulfilling my parents' dream... God, I will be brutally honest in saying that I couldn't have made it this far without You. My God, You have been my portion, my light, my refuge, and my strength. I have prayed for wisdom and You have granted it. James was right: "Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise." he said so in James 5:13. I am thirsty and only You can quench it. Continue to reveal Yourself in my life, because I am searching for the ultimate reality that is Ultimate, and the absolute Truth that displays the order of an intricate universe reflecting a grand design. I will not leave one stone unturned. I will find You in highs and lows, above and in the depths of the world. I will keep studying these hints of truths, because I want to know more of who You claim to be. Yet I will not be stubborn and I will try to bear a teachable heart. I don't know where to start proclaiming Your majesty and mystery. All I can do for now is to praise and worship You, my God, my Maker, and my Friend.

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
- Psalm 34:8-9

Labels: bloggy

The twentyfifteen entry is such a fail. I can only laugh at myself for attempting to try. Anyway, I'm past it.

My student loan has been approved and I've finished my Japanese course. The summer break is here. Summer is pretty much the only time I can get some enjoyment. So you can imagine how happy I am today. Things will be different from here on. I'm much more graduation oriented.

Who's psyched for Fallout 4 this November?! In fact, I'm prepared to live in a strict cup noodles diet after I order the collector's edition! Then there's those rumours about Silent Hills being Xbox One exclusive. I mean, even if it's a rumour and even if it's a Microsoft exclusive, it's good enough for me! I know, I know, it's November and I'll be studying during that time. I don't care! I'll be a full-time student from here on. I just have to deal the stress of school work, and not the strain of slave work anymore.

Let me share a TBH moment with you. Ever since the 'unfortunate incident' in my life, I'll say that I've lost confidence in myself. But I'm glad I signed up for classes this spring term. I'm a bit sad that it's the end, because I found my self-confidence once more. When my teacher said I did a good job, however unrelated the compliment may be, I felt like she encouraged me somehow. I felt like I can still do a good job. When I went back home, my vacation felt like a chore and it seemed that I wasn't doing anything right. Now, I can totally see the progress toward my dreams. Now, I can read, write, and speak Japanese, Nihongo. Subarashii. Let my past keep me in check, and to serve as a guidance, but I shouldn't dwell in the past in order to get to my future. I don't want to be doomed to repeat it.

I kept my life simple this spring. I wanted to jumpstart myself and try things out. I'm very pleased with the result. I also found some kind of motivation to myself that I think I know where to start if in terms of the right job for me. What is apparent became clear, little by little, I began to understand my strengths and weaknesses. It felt like I was one with season. Spring has been fun for me, now let's get this summer party started.

Labels: bloggy

That one of a kind feeling carried over to my Saturday. And I'll be working on my last Saturday shift. I had this very light feeling going to work unlike the past Saturdays where every part of my body felt heavy. Maybe because I know that this would be my last Saturday shift. No, it's because her words still echoed in my mind.

All I could say is that it's a commemorative day indeed, for both the end of my Saturday and a commemorative day of the revelation of her words. I love you. It's true that I'm going with my all to pursue you. I'll never reserve you for anyone else. If only you could see the sheer joy that I'm feeling. I couldn't sleep properly last night. I couldn't stop smiling on my desk today. I was grinning on space and that I'm relieved no one saw me. They'd think I'm a creep or a weirdo smiling out of nowhere. But I don't care. Such is bliss. Such happiness is unfair. God loves me and then you love me? Do I deserve such happiness?

To be honest, I should be bearing all the anxieties and the worries. She has no reason to be worried about anything, because I haven't proven anything to her yet. Since we're oceans away from each other, I'll have to settle for talking to her however means I could. But I don't want to be that man who's just all talk. And when I come home and meet you, I'll have the time of my life. I feel nervous, because that's the time where I'd have to show that love is a movement.

I ask again, my God, this is only the start and I'm already feeling so much happy? I'm loved by God. I'm loved by you. I'm lost what to say of your grace that saved me. I couldn't help fall into it and I want myself to fall into it. You took me out of this circle, where I no longer start where I end, where I no longer end where I start, where my life is no longer a monotony.

So what is it that I'm really saying? Everything can be summed up with three words. They're words that I won't take for granted. They're words that mean one thing for everybody, but could be defined infinitely. They're words that I won't fall out of. They're words of vacuum that would consume me from here on. They're words I don't normally tell to anyone. They're words that mean something for me, and hopefully they're words that would mean something for you. They're the words that want to be told. And I won't hold back, just like how I'm writing this open letter to you, to that one girl that laid a claim to my heart. To that special girl that I've been searching for. To that girl that I've been praying for. To that girl that I want to spend my present and my future with. I'll tell them over and over to you, no matter how long, no matter how many times you want, and I won't get tired of saying it.

I love you.

Labels: bloggy

Gising pa ang mga tao, mamaya na lang ako iiyak. The people are still up, I'll cry later instead. One person made me cry today. But I'm sure you're assuming the wrong thing.

One person made me so happy tonight that I wanted to cry tears of joy. I have been carrying an indifferent stance and I've been kidding myself for the past few days. I guess I felt indifferent, but what she said finally broke down my cool and indifferent heart. In those past few days, I felt cool and collected, because I thought to myself that it may be too good to be true. I mean, me? Me? Yours truly? She's agreed to go out with me? Am I dreaming? No! I'm going out with her and it's official? YES!

I love her. That's the truth. I love her. I dropped the bomb on her with my confession and I told her how I feel. I totally just wanted to get to know her, to pursue her, and be with her. At the back of my mind, I may be over my mind confessing to a girl who might be out of my league. I'm in love with someone a world away from me, and that's out of my reach; but I don't want to suppress it anymore.

No, I did not come in as a wrecking ball. I came in with sincerity and honesty with my feelings. My mind and my heart was one for the moment. Remember I sent her flowers, chocolates and a teddy bear back in February? I wrote what I felt there. I sent it without any expectations... no expectations that she would like me back-- 'Like' is the least I would hope for. I mean who was I? Where did I come from? Out of nowhere this guy sends you these things and tells you that he likes you. She could've shrugged it off and ignored it. We're far away from each other and what is it that I can do if she rejected me then and there? I said that I like her, because I was afraid to scare her with a word of such strong gravity: love. But the truth is, I love her.

We've been chatting often ever since. Fast forward to July, after her birthday, I asked her if she wanted to go out with me. I grabbed on to my seat waiting in sheer anticipation. They tell me that it's no rush at all if I asked her out. So I did. I meant to take it to the another stage, ask her to be my girlfriend. Asking someone out has a lot of definition. Kids think that it means hanging out as very close friends. High school folks think it's about dating to be a couple without pure commitment. At this point in life, since we're past that, I'm asking her out to be my girlfriend with an endearing commitment; a relationship planted as a seed, I would nurture and watch it blossom; a relationship that I'm looking for that I want to grow; the stage to set it all that we become more than just a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Thus I asked her out. I'm put on a disadvantage when I'm asking her out with a card. I like her, because it's the very least feeling that needs no confirmation. I love her, and I want her to know personally by showing it and let her feel it herself. Although, I can only do that when I come home. I love her. Yes, I do.

Telling a girl that you like her isn't something to be taken for granted. For guys, telling a girl that he likes a girl takes tremendous courage. The truth also applies when a girl confesses to a guy that she likes him. As for me, I'm willing to try out the waters. I confessed with no expectation that she'll love me back. If she doesn't like me. I'll try again. But if she really doesn't. Then I guess God's telling me to look at things someway else. That's what I thought when I told her that I confessed to her with no expectations. I did not expect for you to tell me that you love me.

She told me one night, "I love you." I kept myself cool. Her words lied dormant in my heart. I went on my usual business for the following days. The words kept still. But then one night, when you said that you love me, and we logged out, I wanted to cry tears of joy. It's no lie.

This is too good to be true. This is too good to be true! What is this weightless feeling? The girl that I love tells me that she loves me? I have been searching. I have been waiting. I have been patient for a long time. I have tried and failed miserably. We hear it in soap operas, in dramas, and we read a lot of 'I Love Yous', but it's true that hearing those three words mean a lot. A lot. But those three words are not ordinary and that sentence shouldn't be taken for granted. It would be a sin if I do. I can't believe it! She loves me? That girl who's a world away from me, the girl who I thought was out of my reach, the girl who I prayed for, the girl that my heart desires, that special girl that laid a claim to my heart, that girl that I was willing to get hurt if she says that she doesn't like me, it turns out that she loves me!

All those sleepless nights, those times where I didn't have any confidence due to my hopeless romanticism, all those experiences that I've had, all those love stories that I've written due to pure imagination and other people's experiences, they proved to be helpful in the end. I can't put my happiness into writing properly how I feel right now. I even told her that if she's uncomfortable calling her my girlfriend, I'd be willing to put our relationship like an open contract and give her the authority to terminate me if she doesn't like what's going on. I'm that of a martyr; a hopeless romantic eh? I had no intention of confessing and 'reserving' her in the future. What kind of a guy would do that? The assurance is that I won't hurt her, nor anything, and that I am the person pursuing her. If she doesn't like it, she can break up with me; but I won't leave her that easily. I won't give up. Cause I love her. The girl I love loves me. This drama is worth it. Crying about it with tears of joy is worth it.

The truth is... I can't concentrate. I'm falling. I can't describe this happiness properly. Words won't really suffice to how happy and thankful and relieved I feel right now. My God, this is no ordinary love.

Labels: bloggy

Today's the first day of Spring. How I've missed you, Spring. The past winter was brutal. What a tough battle indeed. It was tough to keep myself from being stirred crazy, frostbitten, and bored. I got tired of it. Looking forward now, I'm past this winter, and it's going to be fun. I'm planning two major trips this summer, despite that spring just started. It feels like today is the start of my 2014. Even though it should've started 3 months ago.

I plan to continue my 365 project to Euphoric Field, my ~ef fansite. I don't want to delete the previous entries, because I know the inside story to it. There's a much serious reason why I decided to put it solely at Euphoric Field, but it's my secret.

Labels: bloggy

I feel like a wreck. I'm anticipating a difficult weekend. With this exhausted and cynic feeling latched on my back, I can't help feel really bummed and sad about today. The goal is just to endure until Sunday evening. I have work today and Sunday. I've told my case to my mom what's happening to me and I think she understands what's happening to me. I got no motivation at all. I really don't want to go to work today or tomorrow; it's like an established fact in my head. I gotta to change it. But how? This is my recording as of 7am.

I heard my mom, dad and my sister's footsteps, because my older brother's treating them breakfast. Afterwards, they'll be going to a baby's dedication and there will be more food there. I could only lie on my bed and cry in a corner, because I have to work. I tell ya' I was an inch close to calling in sick again. But if I do, I'll be working two Sundays, which is not good for my health. Heck, this work is not good for my health. My emotional health, that is.

I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. Today's going to be a straight up fasting day. I'm fasting, because it helps me think of things that I don't normally perceive. I want something else besides food. I want to experience an epiphany. I want to find out how today would unfold -- with my stomach empty for almost 24 hours. It's like a situation wherein that I could say, "Oh no. I haven't eaten anything, how will God provide for me?" I'm putting my faith and testing God's grace, because I'm trying to expand my spiritual comfort zone.

I had another one of those movie moments. With my empty stomach, I had to run to the bus stop because I was running late for my morning bus. If I miss this bus, I'll be late for work for waiting for the next bus.

I had a last ditch effort of motivation just telling myself that it's just going to be like this for two days. What bums me is I'll be repeating this process on Tuesday and Wednesday. The Monday day off is a makeup day for missing out my responsibilities on other things.

Work actually ended at 4:30pm, instead of 6pm. Instead of feeling happy, I felt the dread that I'm going to do this again tomorrow. Today was really a difficult day for me. Tomorrow would be extra difficult because it's a Sunday. And I especially don't want to work on a Sunday. Almost everybody knows it's not a good day to work on a Sunday. But because I have to make up for my missed shifts, I have no choice but to endure another round. I can't really stress how difficult today was. Despite that we left early, the time was super slow, and I was cranky. But I didn't mess anything. My day went somewhat well. I'm just glad the half is over. Really glad.

I came home around 5pm. I wouldn't eat for another hour, but I wasn't complaining. If I didn't go to work today, I would've gone to a feast. I remembered. But that's all in the past. I played a game of dota, ate, web-designed, and read some manga. I feel better now. The most difficult part of today was the first two hours. Oh, boy. I thought I was out of my mind for being in the center. I wonder if it'll be the same dread for the first two hours of tomorrow's work. I really just can't wait to finish tomorrow's shift. I just want to finish it. Then Monday's day off. And then repeat, another two days of work, before I could really rest and relax, and do what I want to do. I'm paralyzed, eh? This is why I want to quit my job. But I need the money so I can take a vacation home. It's another cliche moment again: work hard and endure.

Oh yeah. February 14 is around the corner.

Labels: bloggy

My Thursday was ruined, but I didn't want my Friday to get ruined as well. I tried my best to have 'fun', and stay out of the slump. I explained to mom why I was feeling down. I'm just not feeling anything. It's like I'm numb and I'm willing to receive the consequences of making a mistake. It's like that-- I'd rather take the punishment rather than doing what's right. I find that dumb and I wonder why I would be choosing such a path. I don't feel like doing anything plays in my mind. I shake my head at how stupid it looks. This is depression again, perhaps. I just want to live life differently.

Labels: bloggy

All I can say is that it's a miserable Thursday.

Labels: bloggy

It's Wednesday. I went to work and it was a pretty normal shift. I got tired around 7:30pm and it felt like time became super slow. I came home around 10:30pm when my bus got delayed a bit. I had anticipated that my dad would've transferred my money home, but he didn't yet. I'm in for a mess tomorrow, because I'm planning to drop my course. I hope they understand that I'm having a hard time right now.

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I started the day with a bit of dread inside, which is unbelievable. I'm trying to overcome myself out of getting lazy. I think I'm getting lazy -- that's it. And I think my work is dreadful to the point that it's paralyzing. I won't do anything that I'd enjoy, because I know I'll be left hanging and that I have to work tomorrow. Do you know that feeling? It's stupid and I get nothing done. It's idiotic. I want to beat myself up, because of such mindset. I gotta get my mind out of the gutter.

Today's work isn't bad if it wasn't for my equipment. Anyway, I just need to survive today and tomorrow, and get some rest on Thursday and Friday, because I'm working on the weekends again. Bleah.

I'm inching closer to dropping my course. Say it ain't so. If I knew I'd get this slumped, I wouldn't be registering for anything this winter term. I can still finish within two years and get two diplomas. I badly need to refresh myself.

Also, I need to get productive with my literature. I want to start this new novel, but I'm having a conflict with my characters and my plots. I'm pleased with all my other novels as they're left open ended and flexible. But this novel, I call it Project X, has made me fall in love with the characters I've created and I think I want to make the story happen. The setting is the contemporary world and it has romantic elements in it. It's an action story, not a cheesy love story. I'm still tilting my head how I would approach writing the story.

I left the office at 10pm and arrived at home around 10:20pm. We needed to go to the bank so I could send money to my grandma, and to my contacts for the February 'package'.

Thank God again that, according to a second opinion, my grandma is not going to have the surgery. Instead, the doctor recommended that she'd take medications. He's the same doctor that helped my godfather back to work after suffering from a heart attack; it left him immobile, but now he's back to work.

My grandma's having a hard time walking, complaining severe pain on her hip and her back. Initially, the first doctor recommended her to receive a surgery. However, according to her MRI results, the second doctor says that they could treat her with medications. Moreover, the second doctor explained that my grandma's too old for surgery. It's an answered prayer, because my dad is concerned about where he'd get the money to pay the expenses, $7500.

I rode with my dad on our way to fetch mom from work. Apparently, they're laying off people again in the night shift. This issue happens every year. I'm not worried. We're not worried. We came home, ate dinner, and then we watched an Animal Planet show. This is my Tuesday.

Labels: bloggy

There was no webdesign today, yesterday and this past Saturday. I just lied on my bed most of the day. I didn't sleep late too. It feels like I'm having the slowest start in my life ever. Bed. All day. Wow.

I've been able to talk to my contacts today for my February package. It should give me a boost in morale, because I feel excited. But I don't know why I don't feel inspired enough to overcome this slump. I'm thinking of dropping my course to be honest. It's that bad. I'm tired and all. Until now, I'm trying to determine what is wrong with me. It feels like I just lost interest in it and I'm just looking forward to going home for my vacation. February just started and I'm struggling. I can't wait for summer.

Another thing is, I'm concerned about our MMO project this June. I can't say that I'm impressed about our plan, but I really want to experience the feeling of running an MMO server. I'd rather run two MMOs in one server, because we're looking at an expensive running cost, about $200 a month to rent a server. And now we have a problem, because we need a PHP coder. There isn't one in the team. It looks like we're going to have to pay for someone's skills. I just sigh, because I have a feeling it would be more expensive than the server's rents. And we're particularly picky. Frankly, I am particular. The coder has to be someone I know.

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I told myself I'd go to church today. I'm glad I did. I was supposed to work today and I'm ever grateful that they canceled it. I had to thank God for His grace and today's His day anyway. After church, I just laid back and took it easy. I was happy that I had no work.

Today's the superbowl too. Seattle Seahawks had a blowout. They beat the Broncos 43 to 8. I'm still rooting for the 49ers next year. I'm glad the Seahawks won, even though they beat my 49ers in the semis. I'm expected to go to Rogers with my brother tomorrow so they can renew my cellphone contract. I don't care about cellphones really. As long as I have something to use for text messages and for calls, any cellphone is fine.

Labels: bloggy

I woke up at 4am. I opened my laptop so I could try to get myself back to sleep. I read manga and watched clips on Youtube. Then I went upstairs, because I was feeling a little bit hungry. After eating, I went back to my room to calm myself. Is it really calming myself? I wonder. I read some chapters from different mangas, but I still couldn't sleep. Then I started reading some of my old literature. I thought I was getting drowsy again around 6am, but it wasn't working. I felt like I'm reverting into something else when I felt like I didn't want to leave home.

7am, I closed my laptop. I still couldn't sleep or close my eyes. I've had this terrible feeling of debate what I would do today. Whether to go to work or not. It's terrible, I'm telling you. I'm feeling like I'm distancing myself from reality. I'm living in denial. And so it hit me: this might be depression reeling its ugly head again. I want to remember this feeling. I want to write it down, because I want to read it later this evening. It feels like I want to quit my job. I'm already slumped at school. It's winter, this is how I am during winter. I'm not a winter person, but it's not that I hate winter. I just want to be snugly and warm inside the comfort of my room, while being surrounded by the gadgets that I bought. It's like I wonder why I can't enjoy these stuff now. Maybe the lapses are to blame. I can't enjoy the 'free' time that I have.

I can't really explain why, but today has been difficult for me. For one, there's the issue of money again. I don't like talking about money, because I think I'm having an epiphany about it. I get no satisfaction from money. Like I'm wondering why I'm having a hard time staying happy in life. I know I get depressed, and I think I'm getting a better handle of things, but I shake my head that I can't enjoy the fruits of my labour. I may need some perspective check on life in general. I have this nagging feeling that I should leave school and work for a while, because I've suddenly lost interest in doing things.

It sounds simpler than you think, because I'm bored and I want to travel. Why? And why do I have to worry about my relatives back at home? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to help, and I currently help out, but whenever I earn money, there's always issues at home that somehow call out to me. I'm not obligated to give money or it's out of my responsibility, but I'd feel terrible of not contributing.

I think I've spread myself too thin on managing my websites. But the truth is just that I'm not able to follow up on updating on my content. It doesn't mean I'm quitting though.

My cousin came over to show me a demo of our MMO game. In my opinion, the June launch is a good date. He has a lot of things to fix regarding the system files. The sound stutters, and sometimes the game fails to launch. I also noticed that the game crashes when it closes. There's a lot of ironing to do and a lot of things to discuss. Around 7pm, we went outside to eat. Another problem arose when he said that we need a PHP coder for the platform. Apparently, no one knows PHP among us. We will need to integrate these to our database. We have the people for everything else, such as someone in charge with handling the funds, someone in charge with events, and someone in charge with the server files.

Around 8pm, I'm expected to talk to my folks in the Philippines via Skype; it's Sunday 10am at their time. I've finalized my plans. I'm just going to send the money home. It was a difficult Saturday to be honest. Nevertheless, it's finally February.

Labels: bloggy