enter fruitsblogsket, where blog meets fruits basket, one of my favorite anime titles. FruitsBlogsket is my personal fansite dedicated for Fruits Basket. You'll read my blog, find avatars, wallpapers, read the Sohma diaries, discover what Tohru and the Sohmas are doing and many more. Fruitsblogsket is an experimental fansite. Feel free to check the site.
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I guess they don't know how tired, exhausted and mentally drained I am. I'm going in circles in life. Nothing really changes. And they don't really understand what I feel. The past two weeks have been hard for me, but they don't know. It has been hard during my final exam because this issue got in the way just in time for my final. But it's not really about the final exam. I remember about the J.D Salinger's novel called The Catcher in the Rye, and the main character repeatedly states that adults are phonies. I think I understand that now. Just when I'm able to write, I write this crap of a feeling, I'm so angry and frustrated at my life. But don't over analyze this, I just want to rest. I really pray that from time to time I get an off from work -- especially during Saturdays. Until now, maybe it's just that I've missed a lot of fun in life, and there's nothing to do here, I can't really explain how stressed I am. It's just how my life is. Despite how exhausted I am, I still have to go to school this spring. They don't know how depressed I am. They don't. Maybe if they would be able to read what I've been writing for the past few years, just maybe, they could understand what's going on. I want to get away from here. I want to go to some place where I can ponder at life, regroup my strength and assert myself. Sadly, the reality is, I can't do that for at least three more months. But hey, I can't just LEAVE MY FAMILY, CAN I? I can't just leave without missing some people. It's hard to start all over again. And it's hard to deal a lot of serious issues when the mind is tired. I'm so tired of writing that I'm tired. It's disgusting, it's retarded and it's losing its value. So what's with me? It's still a long way for me. I'm possibly looking at least 2 more years of university. Hey, you know what they say, it's life. Two more years of enduring this monotony and hard labor to pay for tuition. It's ironic, because I can't leave my job, because I'm already a somebody there. And where will I get money if I leave? A loan is simply payment sometime in the future. But that's only one dimension of my life, and it's one of the simplest dimension. Of course there's other problems out there. And I wonder why I can't feel the rest that's promised. Wait. Don't tell me I'm still adjusting?! When will the adjustment end?! I purposely didn't want to format my entry in paragraphs so that you won't read it. But I want to write it, because, if you know this author, this is how I vent out the negativity in my body. It might be a rant that would be forgotten one day, but I shake my head how I can't do the things I want to do. The sad thing is, other people really don't understand how tired I am. Have I told you about it earlier? Well, they don't, and I don't know what to do when they think that I'm just making excuses. Anyway, my mind is starting to get numb and I don't care what they think anymore. Believe it or not. What can I do? Before I forget, church can be simple. On another note: there are times when I don't want to talk to anybody. There are times when I want to be left alone. And at the same time of wanting to be isolated, I don't bear any ill-feelings to anybody. It's just how I am. I simply want to be left alone. It might be to a certain degree of wanting to talk to somebody. And so there's a degree of wanting not to talk to somebody. That's okay, right? Well, I am in the talking business, so maybe that explains why I'm also tired of talking. And perhaps, I also get tired of writing.